Two Filipinos walk into an HSBC branch in Hong Kong, not for a cup of coffee or to ask where the bathroom is, but to casually withdraw $10 billion.
Yes, you read that right. BILLION. Making it appear as casual as a tryst on a weekend.
Meet the Dynamic Duo: The “Businessman” and the “Lawyer”
Ramon Revillosa Jr., 68, who apparently moonlights as both a businessman and someone who thinks “fake it till you make it” applies to bank fraud, teamed up with a 38-year-old woman claiming to be a lawyer (spoiler alert: she wasn’t).
Together, they rolled into the bank armed with what can only be described as the financial equivalent of crayon drawings: a forged capability letter, a bogus guarantee letter, and some shady certificate of balance from HSBC itself.
It’s like showing up to a Michelin-starred restaurant with a Burger King receipt and expecting beef wellington.
When the Heist Went South: The Arrest
Unsurprisingly, things didn’t go well. The teller probably stared at them longer than when Netflix asks if you’re still watching.
Police swooped in faster than my daughter at a Black Friday sale, arresting not just these two but also three alleged accomplices, a Malaysian dude, a Taiwanese guy, and another woman rocking a Hong Kong-Macau travel permit like it was backstage access to a BTS concert.
Ramon’s Last Ditch Effort: Bail Denied
Now, here’s where it gets juicier. Ramon, bless his heart, thought he could charm his way out of jail by asking for bail so he could contact relatives back home and raise funds. But Principal Magistrate Don So shut that down quicker than your ex blocked you on Instagram. Bail denied.
If convicted, Ramon might spend up to 14 years behind bars, long enough to write a memoir titled “How I Tried to Rob a Bank and Failed Spectacularly.”
Meanwhile, the Philippine Consulate General in Hong Kong has been notified about the debacle, though their identities remain under wraps.
Probably because no one wants his auntie finding out her nephew tried to pull off the world’s most amateurish heist since Ocean’s 8 flopped at the box office.
What Were They Thinking? A Question for the Ages
This story begs the question: What were they thinking? Did they honestly believe walking into one of the largest banks in Asia with counterfeit papers would work? Was there a PowerPoint presentation involved? A pep talk?
Maybe even a motivational quote from TikTok? We may never know. But hey, props to them for dreaming big. After all, if you’re gonna fail, fail spectacularly, and maybe become the punchline of every late-night comedy show while you’re at it.
The “Ocean’s Zero” Docuseries
This whole saga raises more questions than a kid named Sebi on a sugar rush. Did Ramon and his accomplice really think HSBC was just gonna hand over $10 billion like it’s spare change in a couch cushion?
Was there some sort of “heist rehearsal” where they practiced looking serious while handing over fake papers with toy getaway cars on a table?
At this point, I’m half-expecting Netflix to option the rights for a docuseries called Ocean’s Zero, starring Danny DeVito as Ramon. Spoiler alert: The ending won’t involve yachts or private islands; it’ll be him eating instant noodles in prison while everyone else watches reruns of Showtime.
